Not surprisingly, this process often shines a light on the parents’ own anxious tendencies and challenges them to change in order to best help their children. Easier said than done. The truth is, most of us would much rather treat our kids for something than to change ourselves. It’s human nature. But when it comes to anxiety and children, a big part of the treatment involves changes in the family, especially the way parents respond to their kids’ worries.

In the past I’ve done play therapy with young children, but I found it wasn’t a great fit for me. I do have many peers and colleagues who are play therapists, and it can be a powerful, wonderfully healing process for children and their families. I’m a big advocate for play therapy as a way of helping kids heal.

While play therapy is the very best modality for treating lots of issues in children, it is not always optimal for anxiety disorders by itself. Anxiety is more often than not being unintentionally reinforced by the child’s family. As long as that dynamic continues, the child will have an uphill battle with fear.

For starters, there is an inherited component to anxiety (whether genetics or environment or both we’re not sure), so anxious kids are often living in households with at least one anxious adult. Anxiety is also self-reinforcing: Any parent who has experienced the pain of watching a terrified child scream, cry or vomit in fear would do just about anything to take that fear away. Even if it means avoiding anything and everything triggering. Even if it means (unintentionally) making the anxiety much, much worse.

In order to heal, anxiety has to be confronted head on. This is true whether you are six or sixty. Running away from fear only leads to more fear. Unless we stand up to our fears, the circles of our worlds get smaller and smaller. More and more things go on our “can’t” lists. As parents, we work hard to give our children opportunities, but when we give in to their fears (and our own), we create only limitations.

The good news for parents is that anxiety is much, much easier to confront at six, when the brain’s neural pathways are still soft and pliant. Given the right structure and encouragement, a child can often change his or her way of being in the world far more easily than an adult can.

After building rapport and establishing trust, a play therapist in private practice can generally provide those essential ingredients for 30 to 50 minutes, once or twice a week. A parent, however, can provide them far more consistently, every single day, in the child’s regular environment [hint: that's where the real anxiety happens, and where it can be confronted directly].

That’s why I offer the alternative of parent consultation. When anxiety is the primary issue affecting a child, I can often teach parents how to handle things at home without the little guy or girl ever having to set foot in my office. Parents can learn to stop reinforcing anxiety by avoiding or accommodating fears. They learn to support with empathy, while firmly encouraging their child to confront the things that scare her. They become aware of the anxiety cycle in the family and themselves.

During our first meeting, I work with parents to evaluate their family situation and determine whether anxiety appears to be the main issue with their child. If it is not the main issue, or I can’t get a read on the child through the parents, I may refer them to a professional who works with children for a more thorough evaluation. Even in this case I can sometimes be helpful as a parental support.

If anxiety is prominent and our relationship feels like a good fit on both sides, I will work with the parents for a few sessions, usually around six, to teach them how to better handle anxiety at home. We conduct experiments and discuss results. We explore the roots of the child’s anxiety, and talk about the parents’ own fears. We talk about parenting styles and whether the two — or more, if there are step- or grand-parents in the picture — are working as a team.

Very often, when parents have the education they need about anxiety and come together (with support) as a team, there may be no need for a child to be in therapy himself. If this doesn’t resolve the issue, however, or if it turns out there is something else going on, my role is to help parents find the right helping professionals for the next step. In any case, I work hard to help families break free from anxiety and reclaim their lives.

If you’re a regular reader, you’ll notice that I’ve made some adjustments to the way the blog looks. I’m also working on updating the categories and structure to make it easier to navigate, and more relevant to both my counseling and executive coaching practices. Often the state of my blog reflects the state of my life, so I’m hoping that cleaner, simpler and more organized is a sign of things to come in general. With less neglect all around.

As always, I welcome feedback about the blog and enjoy reading your comments. Look for upcoming posts about kids and anxiety, ‘invisible’ hoarding, getting hired, and much more.

In the meantime, happy 2012!!

The end result is that when I logged on today, I realized I haven’t updated this blog since March (a substantial lapse, even for me). I’m noticing that it’s hard to write the next blog after such a long time away. The perfectionist voice inside me is applying pressure to make this ‘return to blogging’ something BEYOND spectacular.

Do you ever feel that way? If you have faltered in your resolve toward a goal (or even in a relationship), do you feel that your next move has to somehow exceed all expectations to make up for imperfections past? I know I often feel this way, and like many other forms of perfectionist thinking, it’s more paralyzing than useful.

I’ve worked with couples in which there has been infidelity, for example, and the ‘offending’ spouse can often feel that once he or she has slipped, nothing will ever be good enough again. This feeling can be mirrored by the wounded spouse, who in his or her anger and hurt affirms the idea. Unfortunately, this pattern can lead a couple to abandon their efforts to heal a marriage before they’ve really even started.

The same thing happens when clients ‘relapse’ in their treatment. They have a bad week, or go back to unhelpful behaviors, and then end up feeling that they’ve failed entirely. It is as though they have not only slipped on their difficult climb, but that they have rolled all the way back to the bottom of the mountain they were trying so hard to scale. It’s a frustrating feeling, and it can keep even the most motivated individuals from taking the next step toward growth.

It’s natural to feel guilty or disappointed after we’ve let ourselves down, or let our family or partner down. But the reality is, our mistakes are usually not as bad as they seem in the moment. We might feel like we’re at the bottom of the mountain again, but if we look closely, we’ll see all the amazing progress that is still behind us on the trail. And wherever we are on that mountain, the next step is the little one right in front of us.

We all have moments of weakness, in which we are not what we hope to be — as parents, as friends, as spouses, as people. It’s important to notice these shortcomings so that we can try to improve for next time, especially when they occur in patterns that are less than helpful to us or even destructive in our lives.

It can be anything. Having an affair, over- or under-disciplining a child, saying something we regret to a close friend. Cheating on a diet, forgetting to do therapy homework, smoking a cigarette even though you’re trying to quit. Letting go of a blog for three months. Whatever it may be, it’s so critical that we forgive ourselves for being human and try to keep these lapses in perspective. That forgiveness honors us for our strengths and gives us what we need to start the climb again.

The crux of the court battle seems to be around whether the three people who died from heat-related illness (two on the scene and one nine days later post-coma), were autonomous adults who had a responsibility to leave the lodge if they were not feeling well, or were under psychological pressure from the leaders of the retreat to remain despite illness and burns.

One thing I will say about the trial is that I am glad I am not on the jury. All my life, I have believed strongly in personal responsibility and personal power. We all make choices in life and must live with the consequences of those choices; as adults with free will, we cannot hold others responsible for our well-being.

And yet, we do. Every day we trust doctors, nurses, police officers, pharmacists, restaurant employees and countless others with our health and safety. We do this without thought, in complete trust of those who have earned a particular role in our lives. We have expectations that those in power or authority will follow the rules and protocols and do their personal best to make and keep us healthy and safe.

But what is the power and authority of a “self-help guru” or “philosopher,” as James Arthur Ray is known? What kind of training did he have, what license did he hold, to what traditions did he turn when leading this group in an ancient, spiritually fulfilling, and potentially dangerous activity? Other than sheer charisma, what qualified him to hold the trust of all those people? How does the fact that extreme heat can blur one’s judgment and thinking abilities play into the question of responsibility?

As a professional counselor, I have been extensively trained in my trade, and the ethics that go with it. Whenever I am with a client, I am always aware that I hold a certain amount power in that relationship and need to approach it as such.  We therapists are ethically bound to inform every client of their rights, the risks of therapy, the always-present option to exit at any time without shame or consequence.

Not only do we inform clients at the beginning of the process, we help to support their autonomous decision-making every step of the way and never, ever encourage a client to do something for which he or she is not psychologically, emotionally and physically ready. Our power in the relationship comes with a responsibility to monitor clients and assist them in the process of working in their own best interest. And if we fail in that responsibility, we can not only lose our professional licenses, we can be held personally liable as well.

But how do you hold someone accountable for their psychological power over others when they have no written code of ethics, safety guidelines, professional standards, or regulated license? It’s a great question, and one that returns us to the question of responsibility.

While the government may or may not decide to regulate activities like sweat lodges and spiritual retreats (I rather hope not); ultimately I think we all need to be better consumers of ‘self-help’ in whatever form it comes. Seminars and retreats like this one are a popular and lucrative industry calling people from all walks of life. Bookstores, too, are overflowing with all the latest self-help books, on topics ranging from business leadership to bipolar disorder.

Many are based on rigorous scientific research and evidence, others grow from personal anecdotes and spiritual philosophies. Both can be useful, but I think it’s important to know which book you are reading (or seminar you’re attending), and take it with the appropriate grain of salt. Problems occur when people who have interesting ideas and lots of personality become known as ‘experts,’ despite their lack of scientific training or ethical accountability.

One of my favorite examples of this is an absolute pop culture sensation from the last decade, “The Secret,” by Rhonda Byrne. Now, about 100 of my friends and colleagues are about to be horribly offended, but while I think that book is an interesting read and has some great nuggets of truth, it’s about 80% garbage. Why? Because it extrapolates from a few basic good ideas and unknowable spiritual phenomena (not to mention testimony from famous people – always a plus), and tries to pretend to be science.

I read that book a few years ago because so many of my respected colleagues recommended it, and I’ll be honest, Byrne lost all credibility for me when she compared the “Law of Attraction,” an interesting idea that could lead to more positive thinking and increased happiness, to the Law of Gravity, an actual scientific law documented by thousands of years of undisputed evidence and quantifiable equations. I also have some other fundamental problems with the “Law,” but perhaps another blog.

For me, that’s when my “BS meter” went off. Do I think the whole book is useless and that my colleagues who love it are idiots? Of course not. There are some great concepts in there, and the book definitely challenged me to see the world differently, in a positive way. I didn’t suffer from reading that book, but I was also aware as I was reading it that Byrne has no formal training in psychology, theology or anything else that I know of. No one checked her book to make sure it passed scientific rigor, or questioned whether it was ethical to sell all these concepts to average readers as Truth.

With no academic reputation or professional license at stake, Byrne and others like her really have nothing to lose when they publish. Self-help authors and speakers fall along a bell curve that includes well-qualified, highly educated researchers at one end; and modern day snake-oil salesmen at the other. And many, many, many in between.

Certainly I am not saying that one needs a master’s degree and a professional license to write a book or lead a seminar… far from it. Some of the world’s greatest leaders and thinkers have had little or no formal training. What I am saying is that those of us who choose to follow the lead of another person — whether it’s by reading a book, attending a retreat, listening to a sermon, or sitting in the therapist’s or doctor’s office — should not check our own common sense at the door.

Too often we see someone as an “authority” and raise their judgment above our own in our minds. We’re afraid to ask about someone’s training or experience, nervous to question our doctor’s conclusions, shy about raising red flags when we feel them. But the truth is, no matter how many inspiring stories, excited followers, or expensive degrees (ahem) someone has, none of that beats your own gut instincts.

I love it when my clients ask about my training and expertise — it shows that they’re invested and want to build trust with me. My favorite supervisor always tells his clients, “You are the expert on you.” It’s so true.

Degrees, ethical codes, regulations and licenses help us to decide where to put our trust. So do online reviews, references and testimonies from satisfied and dissatisfied customers. But ultimately, the instrument we have to trust most when deciding what’s in our own best interest is our very own brain. Listen to experts, sure, but always trust yourself first.

The last mistake on my list is one that is common in long-term relationships: Stockpiling.

Basically, stockpiling means saving up complaints and grievances about our partner or relationship over time; and then when the moment is right (e.g., in the middle of a heated discussion), unleashing them like cannonballs over the walls of a fortress.

Some of us are “venters,” and when that final straw breaks the camel’s back we are ready to rattle off a list of everything that’s bothering us, from the socks on the floor last Friday to feeling romantically rejected today…. and everything in between. Maybe we process emotions by talking about them, or maybe once we get going it’s hard to stop.

On the other side of this deluge, however, our beleaguered partners don’t know which problem to start with; and as the discussion goes on they feel completely overwhelmed and helpless. This overwhelming feeling of being hit by cannonballs or mired down is what John Gottman calls “flooding.” Too many emotions, too many complaints, too many turns to the conversation, and our little brains melt down under the pressure.

Often, my clients who complain about their partners “shutting down,” or “withdrawing” during an argument don’t realize that it’s actually because they are flooding the other person with too much at once. The second partner shuts down because he or she has no choice: the ego cannot withstand this kind of onslaught for long. Unfortunately, the shutting down behavior often triggers the first partner to increase the volume and frequency of the attack, which only makes both people feel frustrated and ignored.

You could say that stockpiling – quietly saving up little grievances – is the predecessor to flooding. They go hand in hand, and neither is very productive.

This habit also has a passive-aggressive flavor to it, because instead of addressing little issues directly as they come up (or, Heaven forbid, actually overlooking them!) we fool our partners — and even ourselves — into thinking that everything is fine. Sometimes we even paint ourselves in a kind of saintly light as we do this. “I’m not even going to mention the fact that she didn’t do the dishes as we agreed. I’m just going to be nice about it and do them myself.”

Which would be fine, except that while we’re doing those dishes, we are also putting a note in our little mental filing cabinet for later. Then it becomes ammunition for a future argument (“You never do your part around here! Last week I had to do the dishes for you, today it’s this…..”). Hmmm. Not so saintly after all. It would have been much better to address the dishes when that issue came up, resolve it, and move on.

So how do you know if you’re a stockpiler? Here are some common phrases that are benchmarks of this bad habit: “It’s not just this,” “This is about more than just today,” “You always/never….” “And another thing,” etc. Stockpiling is one of the key reasons I recommend that couples have an agenda for their discussions and try to stick to it.

To curb your stockpiling habit, try this next time you are annoyed with your partner and debating whether to start a discussion. Ask yourself, “Is this big enough to mention or small enough to let go?” If you’re not sure, give yourself an hour to decide. If you’re still not sure, then it may be worth bringing up [remembering to be respectful and use your 'I-statements.'].

If it feels small enough to let go, say to yourself in your best courtroom drama voice, “I am choosing to let this go. This case is dismissed, and this incident may not be used as evidence in any future trials or conversations.” If you hesitate on this one, then chances are you’re either not very good at letting things go, or you’re kidding yourself about it not being a big deal.

Contrary to popular belief, it’s okay for little things to be a big deal. The question is why it’s a big deal, and that’s something to explore with your partner in the moment, not to fire at him/her like a missile two weeks later.

Which would you rather respond to?

A: “You have been so inconsiderate lately – you work late all the time, you forgot to do the laundry twice this month, I’ve had to walk the dog every day, you leave your shoes in the hallway…”

B: “I don’t know why, but I’m feeling really angry that you stayed at work late today without calling me. I guess it shouldn’t be a big deal, but for some reason I’m having a hard time letting it go. Can we talk about it?”

B, right? Exactly. You can be honest about your feelings now without bringing in evidence from the past. No one likes to hear a long list of everything they’re doing wrong, and your partner is no exception. (Yes, even if it’s you, and even if everything on the list is true.) Sorry, stockpiler.

One thing I have learned in my years of counseling couples is that it’s often the little things that really make a difference when it comes to nurturing a successful relationship. These suggestions are based on the principles from Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages and John Gottman’s research on marital success.  Have a love-filled February!

1. Just for today, try listening 80% of the time and talking 20% of the time.
2. Surprise your partner by learning something about a topic that interests him or her, but about which you know very little.
3. Without being asked, suggest an activity, type of music, or TV show that is your spouse’s favorite.
4. During an ordinary activity or at the dinner table, take your partner’s hand unexpectedly.
5. Buy or make a special gift for your spouse. It doesn’t need to be big or expensive, just something that reflects his or her personality, hobbies or interests.
6. Do a household chore or task that is either normally your partner’s responsibility, or something you know he or she has wanted to have done for a while.
7. Make a list of your five favorite things about your partner. Write each one on a sticky note and leave them around the house where your spouse will find them throughout the day.
8. Set out to make your partner laugh; don’t give up until both your sides hurt.
9. Take an afternoon or a day off from work and do something you don’t often get to do together – take a long walk, see a matinee, or just go window shopping.
10. Share something about yourself – big or small – that you’ve never told your spouse before. Learn something new about him or her, too. It could be a funny childhood story, an old heartache, or even a dream for the future you’ve never shared aloud.

The fourth bad habit I want to address is a personal weakness of mine, one that I’ve had to work hard to manage over the years — criticism.

For some reason, when we’re in an intimate relationship, some of us begin to feel that our closeness with another person gives us license to tell that person not just everything about ourselves, but also everything we think could be improved about him or her. It often starts with the normal frictions of living together, like leaving clothes on the floor or dishes in the sink. And then it expands to the way someone eats his soup, how she drives, or more fundamental things about who we are, especially in the relationship.

Perhaps being in the relationship and binding our fate to the other person makes us feel entitled to give input on everything we see wrong. Maybe focusing on what our partner is doing ‘wrong’ keeps the focus off ourselves. Unfortunately, whatever the reason we criticize, the result is that it usually backfires.

According to the widely respected marital research of John Gottman, criticism is one of the big no-no’s, the serious relationship killers he refers to as the “Four Horsemen.” When we criticize our partners, we are far less likely to  have lasting, healthy relationships. And yet I seem to see this ugly little pattern almost constantly when I work with couples.

So, what exactly is criticism and how do I know if I’m doing it?

Criticism means passing judgment on the behaviors, words or personality of another person — usually with the underlying intention of making one person right and the other wrong. This isn’t always a bad thing. Many of us are required to offer and accept criticism as part of our jobs, for example. As a therapist, I have to dish out criticism as part of my job, to help clients notice their self-destructive behaviors so they can improve them. As a writer, I have lots of experience (some of it painful) accepting criticism in the form of big red marks on things I have written over the years.

In both of these cases, however, criticism takes place in an environment of trust and purpose. Both sides know that both negative and positive feedback – constructive, hopefully – is part of the work we are doing together. And in both of these cases, everyone knows that it’s not personal.

On the other hand, there is almost nothing in the world more personal than getting feedback from your spouse or partner. When that feedback is frequent and negative, it can wear away at the loving feelings between two people and ultimately, the stability of the relationship. When criticism targets sensitive emotional areas, our character and values, or how we behave in the relationship, it can be even more damaging.

It’s important for each individual in a relationship to remember that our partner is, first and foremost, a human being. He or she was flawed when we met them, and will continue to be flawed until our last moment together. (The person doing the criticizing is flawed, too, and boy, do we hate being reminded of that!)

We are entitled to loving, respectful relationships with partners who listen to our concerns and care about our feelings. We are not entitled to perfection. Our role in life is NOT to help the person we chose become more like the ideal person in our head. If our partner annoys, embarrasses, or worries us on a regular basis, maybe we need to ask ourselves why we chose him or her.

Better yet, instead of trying to create a perfect partner, those of us prone to criticism are much better off trying to become the best partner we can be. It is much more within our power to change our own attitudes and behaviors than those of someone else; and by doing so, we might inspire our other halves to work harder to please us, too. If nothing else, focusing on our own behaviors might make the little things that bother us about someone else less noticeable.

You are not alone!

This time of year seems to be one of the peaks for stress and anxiety. If you are feeling a little of either (or both) and would like to learn more, you’re invited to come to a free workshop I’m offering on February 9th. I’ll be teaching adults and teens about the difference between anxiety & stress, the personality types more prone to experience anxiety, how to identify when stress is too much stress, basic stress management tools…. and when to seek additional help. It’s also likely that I will have time to answer some of those fabulous questions I always get when I do talks!

Here is the nitty-gritty:

Wednesday, February 9th
7:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.
The Yoga Room at Marietta Counseling for Children & Adults
2440 Sandy Plains Road.
Bldg. 13, Suite 400
Marietta, GA 30066
Please RSVP to manda@flourishconsulting.com or 770-971-9311, ext. 4
Open to adults and teens (14 and up with parent present)
Light refreshments available

Please be sure to RSVP to ensure there will be seats available.

Hope to see you there!

And yesterday, as I carted my toddler to the doctor for an ear infection, making it the third Monday in a row he’s been unable to go to preschool, I was having sort of the same thought myself. Sometimes when I’m trying to get ahead on work projects or get the house clean or put in some time on all those lofty goals I set for myself on New Year’s Eve, it feels like my own life kind of gets in my way.

Or, as the late great John Lennon put it far more eloquently, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

So many of us keep a running to-do list of unfinished projects, obligations and appointments; and we often relegate our relationships and self-care to the back burner. How many times have you heard yourself say something like this….?

“I’ll relax [read a book, call a friend, etc.] as soon as the house is clean and the dishes are done.”

“We’ll do something fun together as a family after soccer season is over and school is out.”

“I’ll plan a date night with my spouse when we are caught up with everything else and have some extra money lying around.”

Do I hear laughing? I thought so. Because if you’ve ever said these things to yourself you have probably also noticed that dust bunnies reproduce at an alarming rate, swim season follows right on the heels of soccer season, and hardly anyone ever feels they have extra money (or time) lying around.

I sometimes tell my clients that how we allocate and spend our time is the most powerful reflection of our true values and priorities. It’s hard to find someone who will say “My career is a priority over my family.” But it’s not hard to find someone who works 80 or more hours a week, every week. Of course, in these hard times, 80 hours a week may be a necessity to keep the family fed and sheltered; but I think we all have to take time to consider how we spend the hours in our day, and whether they are getting us what we truly want.

Often, we spend our time on the path of least resistance rather than the less visible, rocky path that leads us where we really want to go. For example, when I spend the evening zoned out to “The Next Great Baker” instead of writing my Flourishing Families blog. Or, when couples spend more time coordinating schedules and planning projects than they do having fun together, and really connecting.

We don’t notice in the moment that we are making a choice, and yet, the choice is made. And for every choice, there are consequences. Some are positive and some negative. I remember years ago when I worked at a law firm as an administrative assistant, the associate attorneys often put in 100 hours or more each week. Of course these were the young attorneys, paying their dues and climbing the ladder, but they were also often the ones with pictures of little kids on their desks. I’m sure they sometimes tried to work less, get home early, make it to a baseball game, etc. But more often than not, something always came up. I couldn’t help but wonder what they were giving up to earn their career stripes.

Of course, the world needs doctors and lawyers and clean houses and fulfilling careers. Work can help give us a sense of purpose and fulfillment, along with our family lives. And sometimes it really is okay (maybe even critically important) to step off the path towards our personal goals and just watch bad television for a while. We need all kinds of things in our lives, and we can’t spend every moment on only the most important things, or it would become too intense — maybe even boring. The key is balance.

Life’s little “somethings” are always going to be around. Our best-laid plans are often not remotely what will happen in reality. So we have to learn to roll with the punches, be patient, and accept imperfection — in ourselves and in our lives.

We have to do all this and still keep looking for the rocky path upward; keep asking ourselves if our time reflects our true priorities, and if it doesn’t, take a little step up that rocky road whenever we can.

A Mommy Divided
Marietta, Georgia

A: You know, if I could come up with a satisfying answer to this question I could write a book and be set for life! I have struggled with this one myself – as a part-time professional and part-time at-home mom, I have a foot in both worlds and sometimes feel that I struggle to do either thing as well as I could.

It’s funny how, now that we women have so many choices in front of us about life, career and child-rearing; it feels nearly impossible to figure out which choice is the right one (well, not funny ‘ha-ha,’ but funny frustrating). As you said in your question, there is so much to consider about this deeply personal and individual decision, it’s hard to know how to start. Of course I can’t answer the question for you, but maybe I can give you some things to think about.

One thing I noticed in your question is that you seem to be framing the issue from a negative perspective: staying home will mean “eating ramen noodles,” you don’t care about your job, and you feel “awful” about not being there for your child more often. Of course, these feelings reflect the struggle you’re feeling, but they may not be the best guideposts for making a decision. When we act simply to avoid negative feelings (like guilt or fear); we often make decisions that are not the best for us in the long run.

You could try some more objective ways of weighing out the decision: like making lists of positive and negatives of working vs. staying home. Or you can try visualizing what your ideal day would be like in both situations: if you had the perfect work situation; or if you had a perfect day at home with your child. Try to fill in as many realistic, concrete details as possible and take notes. Is one vision more clear than the other?

You might also want to ask yourself whether your dissatisfaction at your job and your feelings about being away from your child are feeding one another. If so, which feeling is primary? Do you hate your job because it takes you away from your child? Or do you feel more guilty being away from your child because you are dissatisfied at work? It may be a little of both, but figuring out which feels more true could be an indicator of which direction your thought process should go.

If your guilty feelings about your child are really an extension of your unhappiness at work, it might be time to consider making some changes to your career path. Start by pinpointing why you no longer care about your job, and whether another job could be more fulfilling, interesting, better hours, etc. Of course it’s not bad to want to be home with your child; but if what you really want is a better job, you might be setting yourself and your child up for a frustrating experience by staying home instead.

On the other hand, if deep down you’ve always felt you wanted to be home with your child, you might want to explore some ways of doing that — or at least doing it more often. That could mean scaling back to part-time at your job, finding a job that allows for flexible hours and/or working at home, or simply finding ways to cut the budget to make being home full-time possible. Sit down with your partner and talk about the possibilities; and try to be open to a variety of alternatives.

Before you take the leap, though, I’d recommend interviewing friends who are full-time moms or dads and trying to learn about some of the hidden challenges, and how they spend their days. Being a stay-at-home parent can be really fulfilling, but it is not an easy job, and it’s not for everyone.  Before you make a drastic change to your family’s situation, it would be good to spend as much time as you can figuring out if at-home parenting will be a good fit for you.

So, which situation is best for your child? There are lots of strong opinions out there about this issue, and this is mine: The best thing for any child is a loving, stable environment with happy parents who spend lots of quality time with their kids. For some parents, staying home is a natural fit and makes both parents and kids happy. Other parents are happier when they feel professionally fulfilled (and have more adult stimulation); which can help them be more emotionally available to spend quality time even if the quantity is less. Parents who fall into the latter category need to find secondary caregivers they know well and trust deeply; and develop as many comforting routines with their children as possible during the times that they are home.

Whatever you decide, try to focus on the positive — what you want for yourself and your family, rather than what you want to avoid. Communicate with your partner often to see how things are going. Allow yourself probationary periods to try out different solutions and decide whether they work for you.

And remember that what your child needs most is something you’re already giving: lots and lots of love!

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Responses to reader questions are intended as general advice based on psychological principles; they are not intended to diagnose or treat any mental disorder and do not constitute a therapeutic relationship. To submit a question, please read the guidelines under the “Submit a Question” header above; then e-mail manda@flourishconsulting.com with “Reader Question” in the subject line.